13305600 Minutes 3696 Hours 154 Days
July 15, 2018 | Safwen Daghsen, 7 min read
Written after 154 days of solo travel, this piece captures the quiet turbulence of returning home with a new self. It speaks to the fear of fitting back into a world that no longer matches your soul — and the quiet warrior it awakens in you.
154 days of adventures 154 days of exploring new countries154 days of exploring oneself154 days of facing fear head on154 days of facing mental walls 154 days of chiseling the unnecessary 154 days away from me154 days roaming 154 days jumping from culture to another154 days laughing, crying & meditating154 days of camping in airports, forests & streets154 days of volunteering 154 days of yoga, surfing & horse riding154 days of lot more than words154 days of tacenda
5 months of roaming, 5 months of exploring uncharted territories the question was when to go home? I can keep up for one year, 2 years and more but when to know it’s time to quit the table?
It is in no way an easy decision especially after being stuck in reverse You start to have anxiety and excitement about coming home You feel different yet the same but you know the new you ain’t gonna fit in the old frame anymore.. Fear panic anxiety start to get you so you drop the idea of going home. Then you realize if this is what I fear then fuck it. The plan was to deceive myself in the first place. To do the thing you fear most and currently it’s no longer backpacking no longer traveling no longer talking with strangers no longer sleeping on streets park and dorms coz that’s your routine now.
That’s my current comfort zone and it’s an amazing one !
Amazing how going home became what I’m fearing. Going to my bed, seeing friends and having a non traveller lifestyle; No more random encounters, no more late night explorations, no more trying new cultural things, no more meeting crazy travellers and volunteers on the road.
Suddenly you get out of breath and your lungs start shrinking and you know that your panic attack is about to begin. You’re afraid of being stuck in negative vibes in hearing people’s questions about what’s next ? about you did what you wanted now follow us? Why did u come back ? What’s your plan for the future ? Are u getting a job ? It’s time you bend to society’s demands :3
Fuck you all I haven't even thought of that
Take a breath
A deep one
Another one
A Yogic breath
Screw the article lets do some yoga ..
Later on
I’m not me not anymore
It’s no use traveling if one’s gonna be the same
I’m different
I’m all different now
If I’m bending, I’m just doing Yoga !
I think one of the underrated points is that it isn’t easy to travel, not easy to be a backpacker to be on the road roaming. Not easy until you do it of course !! But what I’m noticing is that maybe we are too excited about it that we forget to tell the story of our fears !
For me I didn’t believe it, 10 days before my flight I had a car accident. Everything was telling me you’re not traveling and when I packed I was waiting for something to happen. But guess what IT DIDN’T !
I freaked out because it was happening, I was full of fear about what to do and how to do. Of course the excitement is bigger than fear but YES fear does exist !
On the plane, It was another dimension !
Lots of tears and laughs before even starting the freaking journey ! In fact I had a journey to reach that journey !
Not to mention of course the first few days where most my questions were :
What the hell am I doing here ? What have I done ?
And here comes the power of now as here there are no problems here I miss my home and I’m coming back with a new rejuvenated self full of energy and in no way I’m letting this go down.
Lots of new ideas, lots of creativity, lots of people to meet, lots of adventures yet to come. It’s a normal thing to be anxious about going home and I ‘ve seen it with my fellow travellers who went home before me .. Now it’s my turn to be back to face my new self and finish up the new version of me so it can take me one more step forward. I’ve decided to head back home for a warrior’s break after 150 days of facing fears constantly. It is for sure no easy to adopt a new lifestyle as you see yourself differently but your old circles of friends and family are seeing the old you.
So easy to fall into old habits and old thoughts patterns but the challenge is to implement your well harnessed energy into a reality.
This was the conversation I had in my head before going home ! And it turns out it will be the day to day struggle as it is no easy to fit in when you don’t want to.
Not easy to drink tea in the morning where everyone is drinking coffee.
Not easy to eat with your hands coz you just love it . You will be the “non civilized” but screw your civilization ideas.
(who’s defining that shit in the first place? )
Not easy to be vegetarian.
(Do we even have vegetarian restaurants in Tunisia ? )
Not easy to want to sleep around 9 PM
(it’s when everyone are going out)
Not easy to be silent when everyone are expecting you to speak.
It’s been only 21 days since I got home I am discovering that the struggle is real but at the same time it is a warrior’s rest !
Let the word warrior sink well here .. Warrior ..
Warrior of the 13th
Our new character revealed, that one who’s full of energy
Not a bullshitty one but the real deal,
Not a talkative one but the more practical
Not a softy but doesn’t give 2 dimes about pain.
That one who’s gonna keep it going ignoring the bullshit lady, the cry baby and all other circumstances.
It’s time he takes over now and god he’s ruthless.
After 21 days I admit I’m in a panic state but a positive one. A one that requires putting on effort , not wasting energy !
How do we move a mountain ? one rock at a time !
I no longer fit the old frame — I would say let’s be frameless but chaoes isn’t gonna solve it, a lighter bigger more flexible frame is needed. Even the old habits and memories seem like habits and memories of another person.
Somehow, my memories seem so distant and my old habits are no longer satisfying me..
So my take on this rest is gonna be challenges :
Reading challenges
Yoga challenges
Learning challenges
Until inner winds strike, Until the road calls again, Until the waves build up one more time !
I write whispers every week.
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softly, once a week, gently to your inbox.
No spam. No pressure. Just whispers written from silence.